Chapter 3: Trust

I mentioned last week that my mom had a few worship songs she’d always play while she was sick. “Trust in God” sung by Aware Worship was the second. The song has come to have a multi-layered meaning for me because it samples the hymn “Blessed Assurance,” which my Granny would often sing around the house while cooking or cleaning. I can remember her voice to this day: “This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior, all the day long.”

The song begins, “Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine, He’s been my fourth man in the fire time after time…” Shortly after my Granny passed away, my family started a Bible Study. One of the first topics we discussed was our favorite Bible stories. My mom shared the story of the three Hebrew boys, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. I had never heard the story before, but she recounted how they were being forced to bow to an idol Nebuchadnezzar had made of himself, and when they refused, they were thrown into a fiery furnace. But there was a fourth man in the fire, and they did not burn. She told stories of how many times throughout her life the Lord had been there with her in the fire, how He’d been faithful to her, and He’d been good. I remember several months later doing a Bible Study that leaned into a part of their story I had overlooked.

“If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18 ESV

“But if not.” These words seemed to change the entire meaning of the story for me. These men had so much faith in God that they never doubted His capability of saving them. But they accepted that in His sovereignty, even if He decided not to, they would never give up their faith. There, in the face of death, they had easily reconciled that if God chose not to save them, dying for their faith was enough—and it was good, because He is good.

I remember being completely blown away and calling my mom on the phone: “Do you know what they said before being thrown into the furnace?!” I couldn’t imagine having a faith so strong that you would stick beside God even when He would allow such a terrible thing to happen. Her response was, “You’re thinking about it too deeply, Dari.” That was often her response to my questioning. For someone like her it was simple. She knew who God was, who He had been in her life. She knew He was unchanging, and that was enough for her. For my over-analytical, questioning mind, it wasn’t that easy, and it wasn’t enough for me. If you ever struggled trusting God when things didn’t make sense, you’re not alone.

I remember hanging up feeling such distress. What if He didn’t heal her, would I still believe? Would I still have faith? I remember tears rolling down my face, feeling like my entire journey back to Him had been for nothing, because I couldn’t imagine continuing to believe in a God who didn’t answer prayers.

The bridge of the song goes, “I sought the Lord, and He heard, and He answered.” The moment had come, my mom took her last breath, surrounded by loving family praying for her. Initially I felt at peace, but several days later the anger welled up inside of me. I had sought the Lord, I had prayed, and He hadn’t answered my prayers to save her, to heal her. I couldn’t stand to listen to the song for months. It would make me cry every time; just another reminder of how the Lord hadn’t answered my prayers.

Amidst the pain and darkness, one day I felt compelled to look at the prayers I had written on sticky notes on the wall in my office. I had prayed that my mom experience healing in my home, and she had. Before her passing she lived with us for a few months and got significantly better. She went from not being able to walk without our help, to walking with a walker in physical therapy, standing up on her own, and finally walking on her own again. We had seen her grow so much stronger, only to be let down when we realized she wasn’t getting better, she hadn’t been healed. Then, a quiet thought came to mind: “She is healed. Just not in the way you thought she would be.” He had saved her. He had healed her. Just not on this side of heaven.

I was reminded of all the other prayers I had prayed, for peace, for faith, for sleep at night, for rest, for a new church home, for community, for a baby. He gave me everything I had asked for. Was it always in the way I had imagined? No. But He’s the Father here. He knows best. And maybe, just maybe, He had answered her prayer too, she was waiting on Him, after all.

The second verse of the song began to show me what blessed assurance really is: “Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood. And what He did for me on Calvary is more than enough.” God’s Word is so beautifully poetic. It was with a tree that sin and death were brought into this world, and it was with a tree that sin and death were conquered by our Savior. After our Lord Jesus took his last breath on Golgotha’s tree, he was laid to rest in the garden tomb. “Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb in which no one had yet been laid.” John‬ ‭19‬:‭41‬ ‭ESV‬‬ In the garden we were created from the soil, and God breathed life into us. In the garden, life was taken away. And there, in a garden, our God died and was resurrected. There, in a garden, the second Adam gave us new life. The gospel, the story of our fall, redemption and restoration, God‘s plan to save us so that we could dwell with Him once again in a garden, what a beautiful life we have been given by grace.

As I’m writing this we are entering Holy Week. That line, “what He did for me on Calvary is more than enough,” brings to mind the recent season of The Chosen. As the disciples celebrate their final Passover with Jesus, they recite the Dayenu, a traditional Passover song whose name means “it would have been enough.” Its fifteen stanzas recount the miracles God performed for the Jewish people during and after the Exodus, ending each line with “it would have been enough.” It reframes how we think of what is “enough” when it comes to God’s provision. As the disciples ate at the Last Supper, I imagine how blinding it must have been to accept that the Messiah had come not to bring revolution, but to be the lamb without spot or blemish, the Passover lamb. As the second verse of “Trust In God” says, Jesus taking on the sin of the world would have been more than enough, and He didn’t stop there. He conquered death. He rose from the grave. He walked with His followers for forty days. He gave us His Spirit. He saved me from myself. He healed my mom.

He didn’t have to do any of it. The simple fact that I am sitting here writing about my testimony is because of Him, His abounding love, His grace, and His mercies. Blessed assurance.

The Israelites would often find themselves in discontentment on their journey through the wilderness. They’d forget what the Lord had done for them, the miracles He had performed and His provision. The Passover traditions were meant to ground them in the truth of who God was and always will be. We are like the Israelites, often forgetting who God has revealed Himself to be when we encounter seasons of darkness. Trust is the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone. If we know that God is the Creator of the universe, that He is sovereign, all-powerful, all-knowing, love, holy, immutable, and good, then we must trust in Him. Whenever I find myself wavering, I return to who He has revealed Himself to be through His Word and in my own life. I remind myself of His character, His ability, His strength, and the Truth. We not only have our own lives and testimonies to anchor us, we have 66 books, written by 40 authors over 1,500 years, telling the beautiful story of our God and His faithful plan to redeem a fallen, sinful people.

And this is the hope we celebrate in this season, what looked like death was never the end. Blessed assurance, the confident certainty that we are saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. And it is through this trust we place in our Savior that we will see the light in the midst of a season of darkness.

“Perfect submission, all is at rest. I know the author of tomorrow has ordered my steps.” This third verse links perfectly to Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways know Him and He will make your paths straight.” Despite knowing this verse by heart, it’s easy to slip back into leaning on my own understanding. Join me next week as I explore what it looks like to try to carry grief in your own strength, and what happens when that isn’t enough.