Chapter 4: Be Still

I’m an overachiever. I always have been, I was raised that way. Being the daughter of a decorated Marine Corps veteran, I was used to high expectations. I was bitten by the bug of perfectionism. The incessant desire to not just be successful at everything I did, but to be the best of the best. Pretty soon, I became my own worst critic, the expectations I placed on myself were harsh, and perfectionism gave way to anxiety and insecurity. My self-worth was wrapped up in what I could accomplish. My relationship with my father became transactional.

If you’re a busy body perfectionist, you’re not alone.

Fast forward many years later, and in the thick of being on the rollercoaster of grief, I hit a stage of overwhelm. I was trying everything. I had completed a year-long Bible reading plan, while reading several devotional books, attending church multiple times a week, multiple Bible studies, discipleship groups, conferences, serving. I was going and going and going, trying to be a better Christian.

Home life was no better, I moved nonstop. There was always something to do, something to accomplish. I had very high and skewed expectations of how to be a good wife, and how I had to maintain our home. I was obsessed with parenting “the right way,” establishing the best routines, finding the best learning tools and resources, exposing our little girl to the best experiences, constantly researching ways to be better, to do more.

My work life was nothing more than a reflection of all of that, I was constantly striving to be the best I could be at my job. Searching for ways to be better, to accomplish more, to impress others with my work, to make a name for myself.

I quickly became consumed with how I wished I were a better daughter, how I could’ve done more. Questioning if whether or not I could’ve advocated for my mom more, if I could have changed the outcome.

My breaking point came when I was in a car accident on the way home from work. I completely totaled my car and suffered a hairline fracture to my fibula. I was forced to stay home. I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t move or go like I did before. I worked from home, and rarely saw outside for that entire time of healing. I had to be completely dependent on others to get around and accomplish basic tasks. Everything was so much harder. I was going absolutely stir crazy.

In that time I probably had 2-3 mental breakdowns. Lord, hadn’t I been through enough? Not only was I struggling trying to be a good Christian, but I was struggling trying to be a good wife, a good mother, a good employee. And I was trying my absolute best.

In one of those breakdowns I reached out to a friend I had met only about a month earlier at a conference, and she spoke to me about something so profound. Western culture grooms us to be strong, independent women, but it didn’t start here. Even in the garden, Eve had a desire to be independent of God. She ate of the fruit because it had the ability to make one wise. Even though she could be completely dependent on God to share with her everything she needed to know, to provide for her all that she ever needed, she chose independence. I later learned, in midst of my frustrations from being dependent on others during that time, that I was much like Eve, choosing independence.

See, the issue wasn’t that I had the desire to be the best Christian, or wife, or mom, or daughter, the issue was that I was trying to do it from my own strength.

After I healed and the new year came, I returned to the garden, and with that came revelation. I was doing so much, not only because I was a natural overachiever and perfectionist, but because I was running away. I was running away from grief, running away from shame, running away from sorrow and depression. I thought if my body stayed in motion I wouldn’t have to feel. I thought that the more I did, the more I accomplished, the better I’d feel. My relationship with God became less about intimacy and more about checking a box off my to-do list. Did I read my Bible today? Check. But there, in the garden, I couldn’t run away from the Lord by filling my life with distractions, I had to face Him. Much like Adam and Eve had to face Him when they felt shame and tried to hide their sin. I hadn’t realized it yet, but my busyness became an idol, something I turned to instead of the Lord to find comfort, joy, peace. Striving to obtain something that made me feel good instead of turning to God.

One morning, as I was rushing to get ready for work and drop my baby girl off at school, I heard a quiet voice “Slow down.” I shrugged it off and kept going at my normal rushed pace. The next day, it happened again. This time, I decided to listen. I slowed down, and took my time, and remained present in the moment. To my surprise, we still made it to school and work on time.

A couple weeks later, as I was going through an old jewelry box of mine, I found a bracelet that I remembered I bought several years earlier but thought I had lost. The bracelet said “Be Still.” At the time I bought it I wasn’t fully aware of its meaning, but I thought it looked nice. I decided to start wearing it as a reminder to slow down. Later, I attended a Bible study one Wednesday night about dependence on God, it was a very timely message. And in that Bible study this verse came up, “Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10 NLT

Surely it wasn’t a coincidence, by this time I had one too many God winks to know that the Holy Spirit wanted me to pick up on something I clearly had not received yet. Other versions of this verse say “Cease striving and know that I am God.” Cease striving. God was telling me clear as day that my desire for independence, my perfectionism, all of my doing, all of my going, were cloaking my ultimate desire for control as a means to quell my anxieties. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 CSB I was leaning on my own understanding. Because after all— if I can do it all myself, and I can do it perfectly, then I can ensure the outcome will be good, and I won’t feel anxious anymore. I was on a crash course in learning that boy did I have it completely backwards.

“In all your ways know him, and He will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:6 CSB I had to cease striving and know the Lord our God. I’m not perfect, and the Word says, no one is good except the Father. I can’t control the outcome, because God is the Sovereign one here. Other translations of the verse use the words submit or acknowledge Him in all your ways. That was the key I was missing. If I wanted to be the best Christian, the best wife, the best mother, the best daughter, I had to submit to the Lord, I had to acknowledge him in all my ways, not just some. I had to take every single worry to Him, every single desire in my heart, to Him in prayer. And in all of my seeking the Lord up until that point, I still lacked intimacy.

When Jesus visited Mary and Martha, Martha was the busy servant, concerned with all the hosting responsibilities, while Mary sat freely at the feet of Jesus listening to His teaching. “There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭10‬:‭42‬ ‭NLT‬‬ Our God desires intimacy with us, He wants us to sit at His feet with everything we’re carrying, with all that we think we know, and listen to what He tells us. In every decision we make, in all that we do, we are to submit them to the Lord.

I realized that I desperately needed to sit at the feet of Jesus. But the perfectionist thoughts crept in again, I’ve been doing it wrong this entire time. I’m already at a stage of burnout and overwhelm, how do I even begin to fix it? Join me next week as I explore how God makes us lie down in green pastures when we need rest.

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In the same Bible study I learned the verse “Be still and know I am God,” we learned about the full version of the serenity prayer, and I want to share it with you.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

By American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr